ever
by kammy147
Summary: Life never stops, we have to grow up. We can't be together because it won't be good for you. Or maybe, I am the selfish one. Creek
1. 12

12

Today I knocked his thermos out of his trembling hands. I just can't stand the way he's shaking so damn much because of the caffeine, it's bad for him and I don't want to see him hurt himself anymore. But he only looked at me accusingly and asked me angrily, "What the hell Craig?" So I looked down at him and told him if he keep drinking coffee and twitching so damn much, I'll stop hanging out with him. Of course I was lying, but I thought maybe that would make him stop.

He looked at me and pouted, then he kneeled down to pick up his thermos on the snow covered ground, which was already stained by the coffee. At that moment, I felt like something inside of me just snapped. I was thinking: did he just choose coffee over me? So I knocked the thermos out of his hand again out of sheer anger. I don't know, maybe I was really jealous of the thermos. I looked at him, and saw that his lips were closely sealed, twisting, I could tell that he was biting down hard on the muscles inside his mouth. When I was about to say something, he launched at me trying to punch me, but it didn't land and he fell on the snow. I felt guilty, so I tried to help him up. "I want my coffee!" He screamed and kept hitting my chest, so I took hold of his wrists and made him stop. He slowly stopped resisting then I saw that tiny drop of tear rolled down his big hazel eyes and he said, "Please don't, don't stop being friends with me…" That made me felt incredibly painful inside, it's like someone just took my heart out and stabbed it. I have never feel like that before and I didn't know what was that feeling, it hurt even more than that time when I broke my leg or that time when I fought with Stan and he punched me in the eye… But then I realized how insecure he felt and something deep inside me just told me to lean forward and kiss my best friend.

I still remember what he tasted like – coffee and cream.


	2. 13

13

I don't get it, I really don't get it.

Maybe it's just we've grown so close that I didn't even realize it.

I love him, but I don't know in what way. As a friend or as a brother, of course, but also as…

It just can't be! It doesn't –

It just doesn't make sense.

Sometimes I have to resist that urge to just hold him close, I don't even know why I want to do that. I told myself maybe it's because he's like a little brother and I am just protective over him, too protective sometimes.

I mean, I like girls, I've kissed girls, I have dated girls before. But he's just different, I don't get this feeling with any other person, it's like this peaceful feeling inside, that I know he won't just walk out on me because I did a little something wrong or get pissed off at me for not saying the right thing.

But I know I can't tell him the same, I just can't.

It's not going to happen, I am not letting it happen.

So I told him no when he asked me today. He asked me "Do you love me more than just a friend Craig? Because I do." And that expression on his face was just killing me, even though he was not looking at me in the eye… He was so red, I knew if I said I only love you as a friend, I would immediately break his heart, but I had to say it… I just had to.

I can't imagine what would happen if anyone finds out, I don't want him to suffer from it… that's why I can't let him know what I feel about him, not even one bit.

He must be crying in his bed right now, I hate myself.

Only if I could hug him tight and tell him I actually love him very much and I just don't want to hurt him.


	3. 14

14

It's the first day of high school and we still have most of our classes together and I was glad.

His paranoia has gotten less serious ever since I made him stop drinking coffee so damn much. But he was still nervous last night because he didn't want to embarrass himself at school on the first day. He has actually become a more "normal" kid. He's not as jumpy and jittery as he was in the elementary. But he also became less dependent on me, and a little part inside of me misses that vulnerable twitchy blonde that used to belong to me and only me.

Now I can still remember that day when I pinned him on the ground and kissed him…

No, I can't be thinking of that again.

I bought him a can of coke after school and we just kinda chilled at the back of the school where gangsters draw graffiti on the wall and couples carve their names in a heart on a tree.

He asked me "Do you think we are going to be friends forever?" I looked at him and we just kinda stare at each other for a while and I finally said, "yeah".

And I really hope that we can be friends forever, I can't have him, but I want to know he's happy, always.

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**I am just really testing out here, should I stop or continue? I still have a couple of chapters hand written and I just need to type it. I plan on writing this till they are like in their late 20s.**


	4. 15

15

I got into a fight today at school with a football player because that bastard said something about Tweek that I don't even wanna mention again. I have to say my anger got me and I beat the hell out of that motherfucker. In fact, I knocked his tooth out, and if his friends weren't there to buffer, I would have broken some of his limbs too.

The counselor suspended me for two weeks, so hooray for me, two weeks vacation. But I was worried that that stupid ass motherfucker is going to pick on Tweek again, luckily, Stan promised to keep an eye out for me.

When I got home, my parents got into another argument again, and they just there flipping each other off and shit. I don't even care, they are always arguing, over really small things sometimes. I always feel like they just enjoy doing it as a couple but as their son, it's just annoying sometimes.

So I went to Tweek's house, and found out that he wasn't there. He was actually at his parents' coffee shop helping out. He wasn't really that busy, so I talked to him.

He was angry at me. He said I shouldn't have beaten that guy up. Then I told him I did it for him, but then he started crying. So we went to the back alley and I apologized, not even know what for. He just kept crying in my shoulder and didn't say a word. His hair felt so soft when I was patting his head, and his slender body leaning on me, it was just all too intoxicating… Then I asked him what was wrong and he finally said, "If you don't like me back, then stop acting like you do." And I swear to God, that just cut right through my heart. It's that same searing pain again and I hate it! I hate it! Why do I always feel like that around him? Yet I am so addicted to him I can't stop myself… Maybe I am just too selfish. I wanted to tell him so bad that I am not acting like I do, because I actually do love him very much and I want to kiss him all better and hug him and make him warm, but… I told him the same thing I always do, "I am sorry."


	5. 16

16

We both got drunk at Token's birthday party yesterday. People were trying to take advantage of him, so I dragged him out of the crowd and into one of the guest rooms. I locked the door so that no one could touch him anymore.

It was so dark in that room, I couldn't even find the switch, but then I felt his lips on mine. "I love you," he slurred and said it again, "I love you, I always do, why won't you understand?" He sounded frustrated. I was too, hell, I always am, he's the one that doesn't understand! I felt really tired and the alcohol was getting to me. I finally found the switch and all the sudden he dragged me onto the bed with him.

At that moment when I fell on top of him, I don't even care anymore, he's the one who's always asking for it anyway. I am the one who's always trying to hold back for his own good, but he's the one always trying to turn me on. So I kissed him. I don't really remember, but I know I kissed him everywhere, his face, his neck, his chest… and he was moaning softly, for me… I thought I was going to go insane, I wanted him so bad. But then I heard a knock on the door, and then I head someone's voice saying "Craig and Tweek's in there, Craig's probably banging the shit out of him." Then there were laughter… My heart sank, this is the very thing I am dreading for! So I immediately stopped. I buttoned up Tweek's shirt and headed for the door, dragging him along with me. People were still dancing and drinking, they all looked at us as I dragged him out. All the sudden I was not so drunk anymore, so I shoved him into my car and drove him home, his parents were not home, so I stayed there with him. I didn't want to walk anymore, my whole body was sored. I put him into bed and when I thought he was passed out, he called out my name softly. I looked down at him and he asked me am I going to leave. I told him no and he sighed with relief. Then I decided to tell him something I'd probably never tell him again because I know he probably wouldn't remember the next morning,

"I love you."

Then I kissed his forehead and he fell asleep soundly.

And I was right, he didn't remember it, at all.


	6. 17

17

Prom.

Sucks ass.

I didn't really want to go, but he dragged me along, saying that it's the last time we are all going to have fun together before everyone heads to college.

Right college.

I am not scared for college, I mean I have been pretty independent ever since high school. But the idea of leaving everything familiar behind still depresses me a little. Well, at least we still have a summer before we really set off to DU together. One thing that's really nice about DU is that it's the state school and almost everyone is heading there, except for those really smart kids who are probably going to some Ivy League or some expensive schools that I will never go to even if I have financial aid, with my disciplinary record, it's lucky for me that DU accepted me.

Anyway.

Mom brought me a black suit for prom and graduation, and she was acting all "I am so proud of my son" when she gave it to me. I think I am going to miss her cooking when I go to college, can't imagine me eating frozen TV dinner every night… And so there I was at that fancily decorated ball room with every else, looking like a FBI except for my navy blue, shiny silk tie that dad had picked for me. Ruby said I should have gelled my hair, but I just kinda combed it and make it look nice enough. Whatever, it's not like I am taking a girl with me. Ruby keeps begging me to take her, but I refused. It was hard, she gave me that cute little sister look that kills me every time, but when I don't do what she demands, she gives me the finger and it just cracks me up every single time. Ha, I think I am going to miss Ruby too.

So much about missing my family.

He took Rebecca with him. It was actually Rebecca who asked him out. He was trying to ask her, but he was too nervous.

Red looked beautiful tonight with her natural red hair dangling on her shoulders, she was wearing this elegant purple dress that matched with his purple tie. Everyone was saying how cute they look together, and I have to agree, they were just the exact image of high school sweet hearts. I saw Red blushing. I know she really likes Tweek. And Tweek looked really happy too. Maybe tonight is just meant to be, maybe the ambiguity between he and I is finally coming to an end. And I am very grateful that we are still best friends.

When all the guys were toasting, I put my arms around his shoulders, and I saw Stan did the same to Kyle across the table. I wonder if we looked just exactly like those two. Cartman said the toast out loud. "To our sucks ass future!" he was drunk all right, Kenny must have sneaked the beer in.

I didn't really dance much, and I was surprised when Heidi came to me shyly asking if I wanted to dance. Maybe I was too preoccupied before to even notice her, but someone, maybe Clyde or Token told me before it's obvious she has something for me. So I took her hand and danced with her, her face lit up as if it was her birthday. So I guess those two were right. But I don't really give a crap.

When I was about to drive my drunken friends home, I saw Red kissed him in his car. They weren't making out or anything, but… ugh, why do I even care?

I should be happy that he's happy.

Boy, that sure is easy to say.

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**Tell me how you want the story to develop and I might take your suggestions. 'Cause I am kinda indecisive towards the possibilities. **

**Please review, if no one is reading this then I don't want to waste my time on this anymore, I mean, I have another story going on and this only started as a break from that story, I didn't really expect this to go on this long. But if you guys want me to get serious, I will, so please show some support : )**


	7. 18

18

Finals are finally over! I took that calculus exam today and I actually felt pretty confident about it. I've got Kyle to thank for that. Too bad when I got back to the apartment today, he's already gone with Stan. They left a note on my door, telling me that they are not coming back till the last day of Christmas break. Well, I guess I'll have the apartment all to myself and Tweek.

Mom and dad actually invited to go to a ski trip with them and Ruby to Aspen. Rubby begged me to go, but I don't really feel like it. I don't want to freeze my ass off.

While I was waiting for Tweek to come back, I started watching the Red Racer DVDs, really, I've watched it so many times I can recite the dialogues. It'll be so much easier if life is like that too – that I can know ahead of time what people are going to say. Life would be so nice and boring then, just the way I like it.

I remember when Kyle was helping me yesterday, we kinda had this conversation about me. He said he was surprised I stay clean. I know what he meant, I know everyone back in high school always thought that I'm badass and I'll smoke, do drugs and drop out of college after my first year. To be honest, I don't know why they think that, maybe it's because I am constantly flipping people off and always at the counselor office. But I am not the type of person to get high off weed and shit. I just want some peace and quiet. I don't need to see rainbows and unicorns or whatever stupid gay shit you see when you are high to get off the stress. I don't have stress, because when someone or something is giving me stress, I'll just flip them off. Just like how I flipped off my calculus notes last night and Kyle came to the rescue.

Tweek didn't come home till two in the morning. So I ordered pizza. He didn't say a word and locked himself in his room. I was seriously worried, but I also didn't want to face him. What if it's something really bad and I don't know how to comfort him? I'll just make him feel worse. I've lost that influence over him these last few years, I can no longer calm him down with just a snap of my fingers.

So I made the logical, yet cruel decision: let him cry alone in his room till he runs out of tears.

I know I am being a total dick turning my back on him. But he needs to coup with his feelings himself. What is he going to do when I am gone? Besides, I need to get over it too. If I keep indulging myself with Tweek, I'll just end up getting deeper and deeper again. Just like when we were kids. I am not going to make that mistake again.

It still hurts, it hurts me bad… But I guess this wound will just get number and number as time pass by eventually, none of us will feel anything.

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**Reviews would be nice. Sorry I wasn't as enthusiastic about this story as I used to be when I started.**

**Maybe you guys can give me suggestions as to how to continue, then maybe I can update faster.**

**Tell me what you like, or tell me how you want it to go, c'mon people, work with me=]  
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